So, I've been selected as one of the team leaders on Catholic Campus Ministry's upcoming Search retreat, and guess what I'm giving a talk on?
Reconciliation.
All kinds of good ironic. I'm ridiculously busy competing for a scholarship and one of the four spots on our school's ACM team. Sorry for not posting here except in a blue moon, I do sort of feel disappointed in myself, but oh well, being too busy is life. Expect more eventually.
Showing posts with label retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retreat. Show all posts
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Loooooong week
Want to know why I've been saying nothing here for a while? Well, Jay over at Adventures of a Christian Collegian put it excellently in his list of things he has learned at college.
I had three tests this week, a quiz, and two major assignments. Throw into that my job working at the commons, helping to plan a pro-life rally in the spring, staying up late trying to keep my potentially concussed roommate awake, and fitting a religious retreat into my schedule, it's been a hectic week. I've had about four nights out of the past seven that have only had about four to five hours of sleep.
In the past 24 hours, I got 15 hours of sleep. I went on a run with one of my friends too, and I feel awesome, even though I'm helping to run a table to promote a pro-life speaker tomorrow, and I'm not entirely sure what's all going on with that. But that's not all of why I feel awesome.
Friday night at the retreat, we had faith sharing. Now, this scares the ever-loving hell out of me (I like using "ever-loving" as a swear modifier, but it doesn't really make as much sense here). I love faith sharing though. It feels so good to be able to talk to people and feel like they understand you, and maybe to get some things off of your chest. My usual policy with faith sharing is that once I think of something I want to talk about, I always wait fifteen seconds after the last speaker, to give someone who maybe urgently wants to talk the chance to get up there and speak. Plus, it kind of makes it easier to avoid going up front too if I give myself that time period.
God however, had different plans than for me to sit quiet that night though. After a couple of people went up (including one of my close friends, that had a problem he hadn't told me about, but I'm glad he let it out), I was doing my counting thing, and I got up past twenty. Nobody was making any moves, and finally I just said "screw it" to my insecurities and I stood up. Once you stand up, you can't really sit back down without people noticing, so I was locked in.
A lot of people had been talking about prayer and what it's done for them, so I started there. I said how what prayer does is awesome, but what prayer is is even better. I talked about how great it is to be able to talk to God whenever you wanted to, and my favorite ways to pray. And then I said how there was one prayer I wasn't sure about. Whenever I say it, I wonder if I'm saying or using it right or whatever.
That prayer is the Our Father. There's a line in it that says "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." But as I told them, I have a huge grudge. There is someone that I haven't forgiven, and I don't know how to forgive him. I don't know where he is or what he's doing or whether he's even sorry or not, and I don't know how to get closure and let go of this whole situation. If I'm doing well, I don't usually think about it, but when I start getting tired or stressed out, if I have nothing else to distract me, it will be the only thing I think about. Just on and on through my mind, as many bad thoughts about all of this as I can think of. I told them how sometimes I just can't function right because of it. And I apologized to my friend Dan, because the "problem" I talked about in this post had to do with how I can't forgive this person. I've been praying about this, but I still haven't found a solution.
Afterwards, people were hugging me, and I kept bursting out into tears. My friends told me to just keep praying, and that God never gives us more than we can handle. One of my friends told me I was beautiful, because that was the first thing that popped into her head. I definitely felt a lot more beautiful than I had in a while.
For the first time in almost three years since this grudge started, I actually talked to someone about it. Sure, I didn't go deep into it, and when Dan wanted to ask me more about it, I had to tell him that I'm sworn to secrecy about the specifics (which is the truth, until I ask for that promise to be given back to me). But I did bring it up. I finally told people about it. In my daily journal that night, I think I wrote "I did it!" close to eighteen times in a row, I was just that happy.
It may not be much, but it's a start, and that's how healing works, a little bit at a time.
Professors are knowingly and incontrovertibly in an evil alliance to assign all quizzes, tests, and major papers during the same exact week. This cannot be avoided no matter what professors you pick. Even the ones you thought were cool (because they were younger and perhaps only went by their first name, which was something usually along the lines of "Mark" or "Jenny") are in on this conspiracy.
I had three tests this week, a quiz, and two major assignments. Throw into that my job working at the commons, helping to plan a pro-life rally in the spring, staying up late trying to keep my potentially concussed roommate awake, and fitting a religious retreat into my schedule, it's been a hectic week. I've had about four nights out of the past seven that have only had about four to five hours of sleep.
In the past 24 hours, I got 15 hours of sleep. I went on a run with one of my friends too, and I feel awesome, even though I'm helping to run a table to promote a pro-life speaker tomorrow, and I'm not entirely sure what's all going on with that. But that's not all of why I feel awesome.
Friday night at the retreat, we had faith sharing. Now, this scares the ever-loving hell out of me (I like using "ever-loving" as a swear modifier, but it doesn't really make as much sense here). I love faith sharing though. It feels so good to be able to talk to people and feel like they understand you, and maybe to get some things off of your chest. My usual policy with faith sharing is that once I think of something I want to talk about, I always wait fifteen seconds after the last speaker, to give someone who maybe urgently wants to talk the chance to get up there and speak. Plus, it kind of makes it easier to avoid going up front too if I give myself that time period.
God however, had different plans than for me to sit quiet that night though. After a couple of people went up (including one of my close friends, that had a problem he hadn't told me about, but I'm glad he let it out), I was doing my counting thing, and I got up past twenty. Nobody was making any moves, and finally I just said "screw it" to my insecurities and I stood up. Once you stand up, you can't really sit back down without people noticing, so I was locked in.
A lot of people had been talking about prayer and what it's done for them, so I started there. I said how what prayer does is awesome, but what prayer is is even better. I talked about how great it is to be able to talk to God whenever you wanted to, and my favorite ways to pray. And then I said how there was one prayer I wasn't sure about. Whenever I say it, I wonder if I'm saying or using it right or whatever.
That prayer is the Our Father. There's a line in it that says "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." But as I told them, I have a huge grudge. There is someone that I haven't forgiven, and I don't know how to forgive him. I don't know where he is or what he's doing or whether he's even sorry or not, and I don't know how to get closure and let go of this whole situation. If I'm doing well, I don't usually think about it, but when I start getting tired or stressed out, if I have nothing else to distract me, it will be the only thing I think about. Just on and on through my mind, as many bad thoughts about all of this as I can think of. I told them how sometimes I just can't function right because of it. And I apologized to my friend Dan, because the "problem" I talked about in this post had to do with how I can't forgive this person. I've been praying about this, but I still haven't found a solution.
Afterwards, people were hugging me, and I kept bursting out into tears. My friends told me to just keep praying, and that God never gives us more than we can handle. One of my friends told me I was beautiful, because that was the first thing that popped into her head. I definitely felt a lot more beautiful than I had in a while.
For the first time in almost three years since this grudge started, I actually talked to someone about it. Sure, I didn't go deep into it, and when Dan wanted to ask me more about it, I had to tell him that I'm sworn to secrecy about the specifics (which is the truth, until I ask for that promise to be given back to me). But I did bring it up. I finally told people about it. In my daily journal that night, I think I wrote "I did it!" close to eighteen times in a row, I was just that happy.
It may not be much, but it's a start, and that's how healing works, a little bit at a time.
Monday, August 20, 2007
How Am I Myself? #1
Well, I said it was going to be positive, so I guess I'll just focus on a good aspect of me.
I was laying on a couch, thinking about what to write, when I brushed up against a fluffy pink blanket draped over the top of the couch. It's a really comfy blanket, so I pulled it down and felt like falling asleep there, and wondered why I couldn't feel like this when I wanted to go to bed. Most times when I go to bed, my blanket (not the pink one) feels uncomfortable, and I have to fight with it and my pillow to get into a good sleeping spot.
Waking up is another story. I don't know about anyone else, but for all the trouble I have getting comfortable at night, I feel absolutely perfect in the morning. Everything just feels right, and I just want to lay there and bask in that feeling. I really think that should be the other way around, I should want to leave when I need to wake up, and want to stay when I need to sleep.
I feel comfortable in weird places. Another place I feel so comfortable in is when I'm just wearing long pants, no shirt or socks, and I'm about to start working out. It makes me feel like a cowboy, or a kung fu master, depending on the type of fabric the pants are made out of.
One place I don't feel comfortable is with people. I don't feel like I'm a good conversationalist. I worry that my small talk is overly boring and annoying to people. If I ever do get past all of that and I actually start talking on a deeper level with people, then all of the big alarms go off. My stomach starts to turn and my hands and my whole body start to shake and it's a struggle to keep myself calm. Even with people that I love, trust, and respect, the same thing happens. I just don't deal with it well at all, even though I love the feeling of talking to people on a deep level. I can't speak my real mind because I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, and whether my friends will like me less because of the way I really am, not just the masks I put up so I can pretend to be pretty normal.
This is why I find it highly ironic that one of the things people like most about me, the real me, is that I'm easy to talk to. They say that I set people at ease. People feel like it's easier to be themselves around me.
I went on a religious retreat last semester. That was scary. Three days of faith sharing and heart-to-heart discussion is one of my worst nightmares, and one of my greatest dreams. However, I faced my fears, I opened up, and I let the real me shine out. One of my friends, one of the group leaders, she wrote me a letter at the end of the retreat. In part of it, she was telling me some of the things she admired most about me. One of those things was that the way I act, the things I say, they make me easy to connect to. She told me that without people like me, the other retreatants might have never opened up. That makes me so happy, because I know exactly how it feels to not be able to open up to others.
How am I myself?
I am truly myself when I help make others feel like they can be themselves, their true selves, as well.
And that's the whole truth.
I was laying on a couch, thinking about what to write, when I brushed up against a fluffy pink blanket draped over the top of the couch. It's a really comfy blanket, so I pulled it down and felt like falling asleep there, and wondered why I couldn't feel like this when I wanted to go to bed. Most times when I go to bed, my blanket (not the pink one) feels uncomfortable, and I have to fight with it and my pillow to get into a good sleeping spot.
Waking up is another story. I don't know about anyone else, but for all the trouble I have getting comfortable at night, I feel absolutely perfect in the morning. Everything just feels right, and I just want to lay there and bask in that feeling. I really think that should be the other way around, I should want to leave when I need to wake up, and want to stay when I need to sleep.
I feel comfortable in weird places. Another place I feel so comfortable in is when I'm just wearing long pants, no shirt or socks, and I'm about to start working out. It makes me feel like a cowboy, or a kung fu master, depending on the type of fabric the pants are made out of.
One place I don't feel comfortable is with people. I don't feel like I'm a good conversationalist. I worry that my small talk is overly boring and annoying to people. If I ever do get past all of that and I actually start talking on a deeper level with people, then all of the big alarms go off. My stomach starts to turn and my hands and my whole body start to shake and it's a struggle to keep myself calm. Even with people that I love, trust, and respect, the same thing happens. I just don't deal with it well at all, even though I love the feeling of talking to people on a deep level. I can't speak my real mind because I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, and whether my friends will like me less because of the way I really am, not just the masks I put up so I can pretend to be pretty normal.
This is why I find it highly ironic that one of the things people like most about me, the real me, is that I'm easy to talk to. They say that I set people at ease. People feel like it's easier to be themselves around me.
I went on a religious retreat last semester. That was scary. Three days of faith sharing and heart-to-heart discussion is one of my worst nightmares, and one of my greatest dreams. However, I faced my fears, I opened up, and I let the real me shine out. One of my friends, one of the group leaders, she wrote me a letter at the end of the retreat. In part of it, she was telling me some of the things she admired most about me. One of those things was that the way I act, the things I say, they make me easy to connect to. She told me that without people like me, the other retreatants might have never opened up. That makes me so happy, because I know exactly how it feels to not be able to open up to others.
How am I myself?
I am truly myself when I help make others feel like they can be themselves, their true selves, as well.
And that's the whole truth.
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