Tonight I got a chance to hang out with some of my good friends for the first time since last year at school. We are a group of guys that was affectionately dubbed "The Freshman Guys" by the Catholic group we were in. I had some ridiculously fun times with these guys last year. Sometimes things would get a bit out of hand, and usually I would be the one to try to sort things out, because I have the highest tolerance to alcohol out of our group, I'd say I'm probably the most patient, and I like to think I'm good at defusing situations (Seriously though, how many people have actually used the line "Bros before Hos" to stop an argument?). I'm happy to help out, because I like to see my friends have a good time, and I just like helping people too and helping make peace between people.
Tonight though, has pushed me past my limits. Me, Alex, Brian, Dan, and two other guys all were drinking a bit in Alex and his roommate's dorm. Alex, somehow being the biggest lightweight ever, was already pretty tipsy off of probably a small amount of alcohol (I had gotten there late). Me, I had a straight shot of 190 proof alcohol, several shots of whiskey, and I quite literally felt nothing.
Eventually, one frat and a house party later, I figured Alex had had enough to drink, and needed to go home and sober up. This was at around the time he took off his shirt and pants during a one-man dance to "Greased Lightning." Don't worry, he still had his boxers on, but still.
Long story short, Alex didn't want to leave. He just wanted to go party more. He fought with me, Brian, and Dan the entire. An hour and a half I fought with him to try to get him home and keep him from getting an underage citation. Dan wanted to leave him. Brian wanted to leave him. I said no. He was my friend, and I was going to get him home safe.
He bled on me, he almost got me beat up by frat boys, he had me carry him quite a few times, and just in general he was a absolute asshole at letting me help him. If there was a way for him to slow things down, he did it, excluding actually getting into a fight with me.
I eventually got him home with Dan and Brian's help, but he just wouldn't go to sleep. I was so tired. I had done most of the carrying of Alex this entire time, as Brian was still kind of tipsy, and Dan's idea of getting Alex to come along was telling ridiculous lies and hoping he'd believe it. We sat in his dorm room for a while, hoping he'd sleep, but he just didn't want to. Eventually, he needed to go to the bathroom, but he wouldn't let anyone come with him. I knew this was code for "I'm going to run off to the commons or something because I still want to have fun," but I had endured enough. I let him go. I had gotten him back on campus, I had gotten him back to his room, and if he wanted to screw it up from there, I would let him. I left just a few moments after Alex left his room, and already there was no sight of him down the hallway. I made my way outside, and just stopped in the stairwell to pray for him.
I had done this sort of thing, praying for Alex when he drinks too much and runs off. The last time I was worried he would get hypothermia and die outside somewhere, but luckily, my prayers somehow were answered and I found him after searching for close to an hour. He had been in a lounge drunk dialing people.
I started walking, but still praying, and I started getting sort of vindictive. Maybe he needed to get caught. I prayed to God to let the right thing happen, whether it be keeping Alex free from the campus police, or whether it was him getting a citation so he'd learn a lesson.
Walking back though, I realized something. Taking care of Alex the way I had was not something I wanted to do. Sure, if he happens to drink too much and starts puking, hell, I'd be right there with a roll of paper towels and a bottle of water. The entire time I was helping him, he just disregarded everything I did for him. He forced me into situations where I had to use force against him to try to help him because I was pissed off and I couldn't think of any other way. Thinking about that started drawing me into a panic attack, because I hate getting mad at people. I hate getting mad, because usually when I'm really pissed off, I end up hurting someone I love. I so rarely get mad, but I just wanted to beat the living hell out of Alex tonight.
He's my friend! I'm supposed to love him! I just felt like a bad person because I wanted to hurt my friend and I couldn't think of anyone to call or talk to because it was already two in the morning, and most of my friends were probably already asleep, and I didn't want to wake them up just to listen to me rant and end up crying on the phone to them. So instead, I walked the eight minutes or so back to my dorm room, completely alone, scouring my mind for who to turn to while trying to hold back tears in front of the people I walked past.
I need to talk to him about this, but I worry it will just degrade into me telling him how much I think he was a shitty friend and that what he did shows he doesn't care about me and that he has an alcohol problem or something, and I'd end up yelling all of this in front of a bunch of people who don't really know how we drink and whatnot, and it'd just be shameful for him, and I don't want to do that to him. I can't just let this go and keep on looking after him when he can't manage to control himself, and basically, that is how he got so out of control. He never put any sort of limit on what he drank, he just kept on going.
He called while I was writing this, and told me he was heading back to his dorm after going to probably one of the furthest places on campus from his dorm. I told him it was all okay, and he thanked me for helping him out and dealing with him, but he doesn't realize or even really remember everything I had to go through helping him out.
I guess the real question is, how do I go about figuring out this situation? How do I forgive all of that? He said we'd hang out tomorrow night, and he definitely wouldn't drink as much, but I don't really believe him. Even drinking half as much would put him in the same state. I don't want to be in that situation again but I don't want Alex to get in trouble and I just don't know what to do. He hurt me deeply tonight (this is my third draft for this entry, and most of this one has just been filled with me crying as I typed). I just don't know what to do here.
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