Okay, so the title is a cheesy Ace Ventura line, but still. Three posts is a lot. I should be studying or writing or something productive with my schoolwork (not that blogging isn't productive). However, I really would like to write this.
The title for this entire blog is "Forgiveness." I really like the idea of a blog based around forgiveness, but I really feel the urge to write about other stuff. I mean, I'm a practicing Catholic at the number two party school in the nation. That's not exactly a common type of person. It makes for a lot of strange thoughts and situations.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just let these thoughts ferment a bit. I know there are other things I want to write about forgiveness, but I don't know what to do about this other stuff I want to write about as well. Should I sort of alter the theme and title of this blog? Should I have a separate blog as well to talk about other stuff? What do you, my readers, think?
Monday, August 27, 2007
Courage to Speak
Like I said in an earlier blog post, I have trouble talking to people. I was manning a pro-life club's stand at a student involvement fair alone for a while this morning, and I had like, a billion flyers to hand out to people. However, it's tough to just approach people with a flyer. I think I managed about one out of every ten or so students. I would let the ones that sort of moved as far away from my stand as possible while walking by go on without a pamphlet. Most people that looked me in the eye as they walked by, I felt too sheepish to give them a flyer, I just nodded and said hello. I really only got the people that just flat-out walked up to my stand, or people that looked at the stand but didn't look at me. I felt kind of like I wasn't doing my job well enough because I couldn't approach people. Luckily, I was only there for about 15 minutes out of the 5 hours that students were allowed in (I did all of the pre-student setup though, I'm no slacker).
Later that night, I went to a meeting with a Catholic club I'm in on campus. There were a lot of new faces because they had been advertising at the involvement fair as well. As I walked in, I headed around a crowd of new people talking to the club leaders, and headed for a group of my friends. On the way there though, I had to pass by a new person who was just standing alone watching the other people talk from afar.
As I walked towards him, I debated introducing myself, but I pushed the thought away and kept heading for my friends. Right when I walked past him though, I thought "I could just ignore him and let him be alone, or I could talk to him." Suddenly it seemed like there was an obvious choice, even though it was unpleasant. I turned around and introduced myself to him. His name was Phil.
We started talking, and slowly some of my other friends came over to say hi to me, and I got the chance to introduce them to my new freshman friend, Phil. Soon the boy who had been standing alone watching the small crowds of people had become a part of one of those crowds.
He sat with me and my friends throughout the meeting, and at the end of it, during the pizza and socializing part, he walked up to one of the club leaders and started talking to him. He worked his way back over to us eventually, but I felt like he had a really good time and was a lot more comfortable now.
Waiting in line for pizza, I also found the courage to introduce myself to a freshman named Michael. He left to go to the email sign-up paper, but when he came back and sort of stood awkwardly at the edge of me and my circle of friends, I made sure to try to get him involved in the conversation.
I don't know how important it was that I introduced myself to these people and gave them a chance to talk and be welcomed. They may never come back for another meeting (although I certainly hope that's not the case). The one thing I do know was that I made the right decision in talking to them. It was a good choice.
Later that night, I went to a meeting with a Catholic club I'm in on campus. There were a lot of new faces because they had been advertising at the involvement fair as well. As I walked in, I headed around a crowd of new people talking to the club leaders, and headed for a group of my friends. On the way there though, I had to pass by a new person who was just standing alone watching the other people talk from afar.
As I walked towards him, I debated introducing myself, but I pushed the thought away and kept heading for my friends. Right when I walked past him though, I thought "I could just ignore him and let him be alone, or I could talk to him." Suddenly it seemed like there was an obvious choice, even though it was unpleasant. I turned around and introduced myself to him. His name was Phil.
We started talking, and slowly some of my other friends came over to say hi to me, and I got the chance to introduce them to my new freshman friend, Phil. Soon the boy who had been standing alone watching the small crowds of people had become a part of one of those crowds.
He sat with me and my friends throughout the meeting, and at the end of it, during the pizza and socializing part, he walked up to one of the club leaders and started talking to him. He worked his way back over to us eventually, but I felt like he had a really good time and was a lot more comfortable now.
Waiting in line for pizza, I also found the courage to introduce myself to a freshman named Michael. He left to go to the email sign-up paper, but when he came back and sort of stood awkwardly at the edge of me and my circle of friends, I made sure to try to get him involved in the conversation.
I don't know how important it was that I introduced myself to these people and gave them a chance to talk and be welcomed. They may never come back for another meeting (although I certainly hope that's not the case). The one thing I do know was that I made the right decision in talking to them. It was a good choice.
College classes, day one
I finally started classes today. My roommate and I have been getting along more, as we slowly get used to each other. What can I say, we're guys, we don't just go hug and start talking about everything we can think of right off the bat. It'll come in time though.
Today I had to set up a stand for a pro-life group that I am the webmaster of at a student involvement fair. I was the only board member of the club that could make it there during the setup time, so I got drafted/I volunteered. However, what I failed to remember was how soon my first class, elementary French, started after the involvement fair began. My replacement came, and after getting him some much needed info from our website, I checked my schedule and realized I was already about 15 minutes late for my French class. Oops.
Luckily, I apologized to the teacher after class, and she was okay with that lateness because I had a good excuse. However, I am more afraid of taking French now. The teacher plans on speaking in French for most of the class. I have ZERO French experience. She seems very nice though, so I'm still hoping for the best.
Second class, mythology, was good. It's non-Western (i.e. no Greek or Roman) and it's a large lecture class, with 100+ people. However, I managed to participate a fair amount because really, everyone has thoughts, they're just too afraid to say them. Heck, we got asked what we thought someone who had seen God would say what He looked like, and someone suggested "Like Willie Nelson." You know that kid will get a good participation grade.
That's all the classes I had so far, but tomorrow will be much bigger. I have intermediate programming, French again, Social Psychology, and Creative Writing. The programming language is C++, which I never was too good with, so it kind of looks like I'm learning two languages this semester, haha. I'm worried about creative writing though. The syllabus says we'll probably have to write about what scares us, and, well, I'm scared to do that.
Today I had to set up a stand for a pro-life group that I am the webmaster of at a student involvement fair. I was the only board member of the club that could make it there during the setup time, so I got drafted/I volunteered. However, what I failed to remember was how soon my first class, elementary French, started after the involvement fair began. My replacement came, and after getting him some much needed info from our website, I checked my schedule and realized I was already about 15 minutes late for my French class. Oops.
Luckily, I apologized to the teacher after class, and she was okay with that lateness because I had a good excuse. However, I am more afraid of taking French now. The teacher plans on speaking in French for most of the class. I have ZERO French experience. She seems very nice though, so I'm still hoping for the best.
Second class, mythology, was good. It's non-Western (i.e. no Greek or Roman) and it's a large lecture class, with 100+ people. However, I managed to participate a fair amount because really, everyone has thoughts, they're just too afraid to say them. Heck, we got asked what we thought someone who had seen God would say what He looked like, and someone suggested "Like Willie Nelson." You know that kid will get a good participation grade.
That's all the classes I had so far, but tomorrow will be much bigger. I have intermediate programming, French again, Social Psychology, and Creative Writing. The programming language is C++, which I never was too good with, so it kind of looks like I'm learning two languages this semester, haha. I'm worried about creative writing though. The syllabus says we'll probably have to write about what scares us, and, well, I'm scared to do that.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
One More
One last post here before college starts up and starts slowing this down.
Cleaning up my room and packing today, I found a little booklet of Lenten Reflections from 2007. I had never really read it. I did, however, save it, because right before I threw it away, I scanned through it, and realized that this booklet had been made by some of my friends, and other students on campus.
Well, finding it this morning, I flipped through until I found a reflection by one of my friends, a fellow freshman last year, and ironically enough, it was about forgiveness. So here it is.
Matthew 18: 21-35
"Forgiveness is never easy. It may feel sometimes that it is all we ever do. Sometimes we think that we just can't forgive again. But when reading this passage, a whole new light is shed on the concept of forgiveness. We must be like the king Jesus describes. While it may seem that someone has used up all of their chances, we need to forgive again. If we stop forgiving, not only do we risk our relationships on earth, but also our relationship with God. After all, Jesus forgave His persecutors for whipping Him, ridiculing Him, and nailing Him to a cross. If someone can do that and still wholly give of Himself for us, why is forgiveness so hard? Perhaps it is not as difficult as we believe."
Cleaning up my room and packing today, I found a little booklet of Lenten Reflections from 2007. I had never really read it. I did, however, save it, because right before I threw it away, I scanned through it, and realized that this booklet had been made by some of my friends, and other students on campus.
Well, finding it this morning, I flipped through until I found a reflection by one of my friends, a fellow freshman last year, and ironically enough, it was about forgiveness. So here it is.
Matthew 18: 21-35
"Forgiveness is never easy. It may feel sometimes that it is all we ever do. Sometimes we think that we just can't forgive again. But when reading this passage, a whole new light is shed on the concept of forgiveness. We must be like the king Jesus describes. While it may seem that someone has used up all of their chances, we need to forgive again. If we stop forgiving, not only do we risk our relationships on earth, but also our relationship with God. After all, Jesus forgave His persecutors for whipping Him, ridiculing Him, and nailing Him to a cross. If someone can do that and still wholly give of Himself for us, why is forgiveness so hard? Perhaps it is not as difficult as we believe."
Thursday, August 23, 2007
An Ounce of Prevention
One of those older sayings people use is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Yesterday made me think of this saying in terms of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a special kind of cure that helps with ailments medicine can't cure. Well, unless it's psychiatric medicine, maybe.
Forgiveness cures guilt. It cures sorrow and grief and pain. It cures shame and hate. It heals the rifts between warring friends, fighting families, and feuding countries. It cures sickness in the soul and patches up the tattered remains of consciences. I'm almost certain it lowers your blood pressure too.
If forgiveness is the cure, then what is the prevention? You could obviously say "not sinning," but that'd be like telling someone the best way to stay healthy is to not get sick. It really doesn't help much unless you teach them how to keep themselves safe from sickness.
Well, aren't you in luck, because I happen to have a good strategy for avoiding things that would require you to seek forgiveness. It's short but means a lot and might need some explaining and examples.
Live.
I'm not talking about breathing and pumping blood through your body. That is existing, that's surviving. Living is about being happy and having friends and feeling good about yourself and working towards your dreams.
Yesterday was a day that I lived.
I hung out with my friend Dave all day. We got Chik-fil-a at the mall and played DDR and Wii, and we saw a bunch of our friends, coworkers, and some ex-coworkers I hadn't seen in months.
We went out to dinner at Panera's with my family, and explored a Jewish Community Center and swung on their swingset while waiting to pick up my brother from practice. I am a CHAMPION swinger.
I was reverse roundhouse kicked in the face by my little sister. We were in the kitchen, and she was trying to punch me in the stomach while I tried to poke her. She tried to kick me in the stomach, but I made a lightning-fast save and caught her foot. However, she grabbed onto a counter and swung her other foot around behind her, connecting right along my left jaw. She didn't think she'd actually be able to hit me, and I was just so impressed by her pulling it off that I just couldn't be angry at her. Although it did give me a headache for a little while.
After I dropped my friend Dave off at his house, I went out to my friend Luke's house and bought a bass guitar, amp, cords, case, and stand off of him for $120 bucks. I don't really know if I'll be able to fit it into my dorm with my acoustic guitar though.
Then I helped my dad clear out the fish and water in the tank I had been watching for my friend, which he picked up after work.
It was a day filled with good, clean fun between friends and family. I never had the chance or urge to do anything bad because I was distracted by being happy. That's the way to live.
P.S. Does anyone know how to cut off your posts and add in a "Read more..." button in Blogger? I'm a bit new to Blogger, and I haven't figured it out yet.
Forgiveness cures guilt. It cures sorrow and grief and pain. It cures shame and hate. It heals the rifts between warring friends, fighting families, and feuding countries. It cures sickness in the soul and patches up the tattered remains of consciences. I'm almost certain it lowers your blood pressure too.
If forgiveness is the cure, then what is the prevention? You could obviously say "not sinning," but that'd be like telling someone the best way to stay healthy is to not get sick. It really doesn't help much unless you teach them how to keep themselves safe from sickness.
Well, aren't you in luck, because I happen to have a good strategy for avoiding things that would require you to seek forgiveness. It's short but means a lot and might need some explaining and examples.
Live.
I'm not talking about breathing and pumping blood through your body. That is existing, that's surviving. Living is about being happy and having friends and feeling good about yourself and working towards your dreams.
Yesterday was a day that I lived.
I hung out with my friend Dave all day. We got Chik-fil-a at the mall and played DDR and Wii, and we saw a bunch of our friends, coworkers, and some ex-coworkers I hadn't seen in months.
We went out to dinner at Panera's with my family, and explored a Jewish Community Center and swung on their swingset while waiting to pick up my brother from practice. I am a CHAMPION swinger.
I was reverse roundhouse kicked in the face by my little sister. We were in the kitchen, and she was trying to punch me in the stomach while I tried to poke her. She tried to kick me in the stomach, but I made a lightning-fast save and caught her foot. However, she grabbed onto a counter and swung her other foot around behind her, connecting right along my left jaw. She didn't think she'd actually be able to hit me, and I was just so impressed by her pulling it off that I just couldn't be angry at her. Although it did give me a headache for a little while.
After I dropped my friend Dave off at his house, I went out to my friend Luke's house and bought a bass guitar, amp, cords, case, and stand off of him for $120 bucks. I don't really know if I'll be able to fit it into my dorm with my acoustic guitar though.
Then I helped my dad clear out the fish and water in the tank I had been watching for my friend, which he picked up after work.
It was a day filled with good, clean fun between friends and family. I never had the chance or urge to do anything bad because I was distracted by being happy. That's the way to live.
P.S. Does anyone know how to cut off your posts and add in a "Read more..." button in Blogger? I'm a bit new to Blogger, and I haven't figured it out yet.
Monday, August 20, 2007
How Am I Myself? #1
Well, I said it was going to be positive, so I guess I'll just focus on a good aspect of me.
I was laying on a couch, thinking about what to write, when I brushed up against a fluffy pink blanket draped over the top of the couch. It's a really comfy blanket, so I pulled it down and felt like falling asleep there, and wondered why I couldn't feel like this when I wanted to go to bed. Most times when I go to bed, my blanket (not the pink one) feels uncomfortable, and I have to fight with it and my pillow to get into a good sleeping spot.
Waking up is another story. I don't know about anyone else, but for all the trouble I have getting comfortable at night, I feel absolutely perfect in the morning. Everything just feels right, and I just want to lay there and bask in that feeling. I really think that should be the other way around, I should want to leave when I need to wake up, and want to stay when I need to sleep.
I feel comfortable in weird places. Another place I feel so comfortable in is when I'm just wearing long pants, no shirt or socks, and I'm about to start working out. It makes me feel like a cowboy, or a kung fu master, depending on the type of fabric the pants are made out of.
One place I don't feel comfortable is with people. I don't feel like I'm a good conversationalist. I worry that my small talk is overly boring and annoying to people. If I ever do get past all of that and I actually start talking on a deeper level with people, then all of the big alarms go off. My stomach starts to turn and my hands and my whole body start to shake and it's a struggle to keep myself calm. Even with people that I love, trust, and respect, the same thing happens. I just don't deal with it well at all, even though I love the feeling of talking to people on a deep level. I can't speak my real mind because I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, and whether my friends will like me less because of the way I really am, not just the masks I put up so I can pretend to be pretty normal.
This is why I find it highly ironic that one of the things people like most about me, the real me, is that I'm easy to talk to. They say that I set people at ease. People feel like it's easier to be themselves around me.
I went on a religious retreat last semester. That was scary. Three days of faith sharing and heart-to-heart discussion is one of my worst nightmares, and one of my greatest dreams. However, I faced my fears, I opened up, and I let the real me shine out. One of my friends, one of the group leaders, she wrote me a letter at the end of the retreat. In part of it, she was telling me some of the things she admired most about me. One of those things was that the way I act, the things I say, they make me easy to connect to. She told me that without people like me, the other retreatants might have never opened up. That makes me so happy, because I know exactly how it feels to not be able to open up to others.
How am I myself?
I am truly myself when I help make others feel like they can be themselves, their true selves, as well.
And that's the whole truth.
I was laying on a couch, thinking about what to write, when I brushed up against a fluffy pink blanket draped over the top of the couch. It's a really comfy blanket, so I pulled it down and felt like falling asleep there, and wondered why I couldn't feel like this when I wanted to go to bed. Most times when I go to bed, my blanket (not the pink one) feels uncomfortable, and I have to fight with it and my pillow to get into a good sleeping spot.
Waking up is another story. I don't know about anyone else, but for all the trouble I have getting comfortable at night, I feel absolutely perfect in the morning. Everything just feels right, and I just want to lay there and bask in that feeling. I really think that should be the other way around, I should want to leave when I need to wake up, and want to stay when I need to sleep.
I feel comfortable in weird places. Another place I feel so comfortable in is when I'm just wearing long pants, no shirt or socks, and I'm about to start working out. It makes me feel like a cowboy, or a kung fu master, depending on the type of fabric the pants are made out of.
One place I don't feel comfortable is with people. I don't feel like I'm a good conversationalist. I worry that my small talk is overly boring and annoying to people. If I ever do get past all of that and I actually start talking on a deeper level with people, then all of the big alarms go off. My stomach starts to turn and my hands and my whole body start to shake and it's a struggle to keep myself calm. Even with people that I love, trust, and respect, the same thing happens. I just don't deal with it well at all, even though I love the feeling of talking to people on a deep level. I can't speak my real mind because I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, and whether my friends will like me less because of the way I really am, not just the masks I put up so I can pretend to be pretty normal.
This is why I find it highly ironic that one of the things people like most about me, the real me, is that I'm easy to talk to. They say that I set people at ease. People feel like it's easier to be themselves around me.
I went on a religious retreat last semester. That was scary. Three days of faith sharing and heart-to-heart discussion is one of my worst nightmares, and one of my greatest dreams. However, I faced my fears, I opened up, and I let the real me shine out. One of my friends, one of the group leaders, she wrote me a letter at the end of the retreat. In part of it, she was telling me some of the things she admired most about me. One of those things was that the way I act, the things I say, they make me easy to connect to. She told me that without people like me, the other retreatants might have never opened up. That makes me so happy, because I know exactly how it feels to not be able to open up to others.
How am I myself?
I am truly myself when I help make others feel like they can be themselves, their true selves, as well.
And that's the whole truth.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Quick update
Sorry I haven't been updating, life has been trying to make up for the fact that I leave for college and schoolwork in less than a week. So, a quick series of updates.
Cats suck. Being allergic to cats sucks even more. It feels good to go on runs again. Superbad was SUPERAWESOME! Except for the bum reel our theatre got. For about three minutes, the screen would go sporadically dark green, and the sound would drop out. We have a new reel that was sent to us now though. Velvet Marauder is awesome and addicting superhero goodness. I need to find a copy of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce," because not only did Ariel recommend it, but I also randomly found a review of it in a blog of one of VM's commentors. Two coincidences means I'm probably meant to read it.
Only two more work shifts and then my summer is free until I'm back up at school.
If you're really starved for forgiveness writing, I found a blog post about forgiveness. It takes a view of God's forgiveness in a different way that you don't really see too often.
Cats suck. Being allergic to cats sucks even more. It feels good to go on runs again. Superbad was SUPERAWESOME! Except for the bum reel our theatre got. For about three minutes, the screen would go sporadically dark green, and the sound would drop out. We have a new reel that was sent to us now though. Velvet Marauder is awesome and addicting superhero goodness. I need to find a copy of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce," because not only did Ariel recommend it, but I also randomly found a review of it in a blog of one of VM's commentors. Two coincidences means I'm probably meant to read it.
Only two more work shifts and then my summer is free until I'm back up at school.
If you're really starved for forgiveness writing, I found a blog post about forgiveness. It takes a view of God's forgiveness in a different way that you don't really see too often.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I'm a Menace to Society
Well, kind of funny, kind of not.
I may have accidentally set some of the internal workings of a very large corporation into anywhere from a mild concern to a slight level of panic. I think they're afraid some of their products could theoretically kill people. They want me to call them and discuss the situation with them directly.
Woops.
I really should feel worse, but this sounds like something out of a Disney channel TV show. Try to help a friend and instead get a huge panic around the little lie you told so you wouldn't sound like an idiot.
I'd decide to do something about this, but I read the email between waking up this morning and going back to bed, so I didn't remember it all day, and I work all of tomorrow during their calling hours. So I guess I have at least until Friday to figure out what to do. Fun stuff.
I may have accidentally set some of the internal workings of a very large corporation into anywhere from a mild concern to a slight level of panic. I think they're afraid some of their products could theoretically kill people. They want me to call them and discuss the situation with them directly.
Woops.
I really should feel worse, but this sounds like something out of a Disney channel TV show. Try to help a friend and instead get a huge panic around the little lie you told so you wouldn't sound like an idiot.
I'd decide to do something about this, but I read the email between waking up this morning and going back to bed, so I didn't remember it all day, and I work all of tomorrow during their calling hours. So I guess I have at least until Friday to figure out what to do. Fun stuff.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
World Forgiveness Day
Did you know that there is a World Forgiveness Day? I didn't either, until I typed "Try Forgiveness" into Google. The only bad thing is, I missed it, but oh well, there's always next year.
International Forgiveness Day is scheduled for the first Sunday of August, which was August 5th this year. In 2006 it had official celebrations in 7 countries on five different continents, including eleven locations across the United States. They choose to recognize Heroes of Forgiveness, people who have shown near superhuman courage in letting go of wrongs done to them. One such person is Michael Berg, whose son was decapitated on television by terrorist leaders in Afghanistan. I had seen the initial story in the news, but I hadn't seen the follow-up that I found through Forgiveness day.
And here's a Youtube video about International Forgiveness Day!
International Forgiveness Day is scheduled for the first Sunday of August, which was August 5th this year. In 2006 it had official celebrations in 7 countries on five different continents, including eleven locations across the United States. They choose to recognize Heroes of Forgiveness, people who have shown near superhuman courage in letting go of wrongs done to them. One such person is Michael Berg, whose son was decapitated on television by terrorist leaders in Afghanistan. I had seen the initial story in the news, but I hadn't seen the follow-up that I found through Forgiveness day.
Michael Berg was devastated when his son, Nicholas, was beheaded on videotape by terrorist leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. So when Zarqawi was killed by U.S. military forces in Iraq, people expected Michael to celebrate his death. His reaction surprised many when he told the world that he mourns the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as he would the death of any man. Berg stated, “He has a family who are reacting just as my family reacted when Nick was killed, and I feel bad for that.” When interviewed recently on CNN, news anchor Soledad O’Brien expressed surprise at his reaction. His reply was, “Well, you shouldn't be surprised, because I have never indicated anything but forgiveness and peace in any interview on the air.”That is truly amazing. How many times have we held grudges for things like money or people holding you up at a traffic light or anything else insignificant compared to what Michael went through? We could all learn from the example of people like this.
And here's a Youtube video about International Forgiveness Day!
The Dark Side of Reconciliation
The title of this post makes me think of Star Wars and Pink Floyd. Sorry, I just wanted to get that out of my system.
Quick intro for non-Catholics: The sacrament of Reconciliation is basically one of Catholicisms official ways to be forgiven, and is one of very few ways that Catholics believe they can be forgiven of mortal sins. Mortal sins are sins that are seriously wrong, you know that the sin is seriously wrong as you're doing it, but still you do it freely and willingly. I feel that Reconciliation is awesome, and is probably my favorite sacrament that I've received so far, even though it always scares the hell out of me.
The last time I received the sacrament of Reconciliation, I was on a religious retreat with a Catholic club on my campus. It had been about a year since the last time I had confessed my sins, and the past year had not been a good one for me, at least in terms of all of the bad things I had done. I was writing down a list of my biggest sins so that I wouldn't forget them when I came face to face with the priest, but I managed to have enough courage to confess all of them. The priest gave me a psalm to read for my penance, so I went outside and sat on a picnic table away from the rest of the retreatants.
While sitting there, I at first felt good. I had been forgiven of everything bad I had done! I was a new man! That is the part I love so much about reconciliation. As I sat there further in prayer, I thought about all that I had gotten off of my conscience, and my heart started sinking. What sort of man had God just forgiven? If I had met someone who I knew had done everything that I had done, I would probably hate him. I would probably want to hit him, and I might even do it. I started feeling depressed and hopeless for myself.
I sat in this way for a little while, wallowing in my own sins and sadness. I thought to myself "You're a bad person." That was the last straw. My soul had taken enough of a beating, and it was ready to help me bounce back. "No, you're a good person," I thought to myself. My mind jumped to something good I had done on that retreat, just being myself and helping other people open up and talk. I thought of all of the good things I had done since my last confession. I had given a friend comfort and hope that he wasn't the only one who felt the way he did. I had been chosen as a leader on a religious retreat in high school (even though the retreat was eventually cancelled), so obviously I made enough of an impact on people that they saw me as a good religious leader. I had comforted friends and been a good employee and I may have even saved people's lives.
The litany of sins I had been reciting to myself were now overshadowed by all of the good I had done in the world. I had gotten rid of those sins for a reason, and one of them was because they didn't reflect who I really was. The good things I do are who I really am.
The dark side of Reconciliation that I found that day was that focusing so much on the things we've done wrong can make us forget the things we have done right.
If all we choose to look for is the darkness in life, that's all we'll see.
In terms of this blog, I think my topics have been rather dark for maybe a bit too long. Forgiveness is a joyful thing. It's not something that should always have us feeling ashamed and feeling like bad people. So, I am vowing for the next week straight to only post positive things to this blog. I've had enough of the shadows for now, it's time to let the light shine in!
Oh, but the "How Am I Not Myself?" this upcoming week will probably still be dark. I don't know how I can make that light, unless anyone has any suggestions?
Quick intro for non-Catholics: The sacrament of Reconciliation is basically one of Catholicisms official ways to be forgiven, and is one of very few ways that Catholics believe they can be forgiven of mortal sins. Mortal sins are sins that are seriously wrong, you know that the sin is seriously wrong as you're doing it, but still you do it freely and willingly. I feel that Reconciliation is awesome, and is probably my favorite sacrament that I've received so far, even though it always scares the hell out of me.
The last time I received the sacrament of Reconciliation, I was on a religious retreat with a Catholic club on my campus. It had been about a year since the last time I had confessed my sins, and the past year had not been a good one for me, at least in terms of all of the bad things I had done. I was writing down a list of my biggest sins so that I wouldn't forget them when I came face to face with the priest, but I managed to have enough courage to confess all of them. The priest gave me a psalm to read for my penance, so I went outside and sat on a picnic table away from the rest of the retreatants.
While sitting there, I at first felt good. I had been forgiven of everything bad I had done! I was a new man! That is the part I love so much about reconciliation. As I sat there further in prayer, I thought about all that I had gotten off of my conscience, and my heart started sinking. What sort of man had God just forgiven? If I had met someone who I knew had done everything that I had done, I would probably hate him. I would probably want to hit him, and I might even do it. I started feeling depressed and hopeless for myself.
I sat in this way for a little while, wallowing in my own sins and sadness. I thought to myself "You're a bad person." That was the last straw. My soul had taken enough of a beating, and it was ready to help me bounce back. "No, you're a good person," I thought to myself. My mind jumped to something good I had done on that retreat, just being myself and helping other people open up and talk. I thought of all of the good things I had done since my last confession. I had given a friend comfort and hope that he wasn't the only one who felt the way he did. I had been chosen as a leader on a religious retreat in high school (even though the retreat was eventually cancelled), so obviously I made enough of an impact on people that they saw me as a good religious leader. I had comforted friends and been a good employee and I may have even saved people's lives.
The litany of sins I had been reciting to myself were now overshadowed by all of the good I had done in the world. I had gotten rid of those sins for a reason, and one of them was because they didn't reflect who I really was. The good things I do are who I really am.
The dark side of Reconciliation that I found that day was that focusing so much on the things we've done wrong can make us forget the things we have done right.
If all we choose to look for is the darkness in life, that's all we'll see.
In terms of this blog, I think my topics have been rather dark for maybe a bit too long. Forgiveness is a joyful thing. It's not something that should always have us feeling ashamed and feeling like bad people. So, I am vowing for the next week straight to only post positive things to this blog. I've had enough of the shadows for now, it's time to let the light shine in!
Oh, but the "How Am I Not Myself?" this upcoming week will probably still be dark. I don't know how I can make that light, unless anyone has any suggestions?
Half-truths and honesty
A few posts back, I mentioned about myself telling half-truths, and in the comments, I and a new friend discussed me holding back the truth. You can see it here: One of the Problems I Have
The last post I wrote, someone praised me for my honesty.
However, the last post I wrote was originally quite a bit longer than what is currently up there. I had looked at what I had written, and just as with my friend that I had been untruthful with, I said "They don't need to know that," and I deleted it. This time I didn't even have the excuse of wanting to protect someone from being hurt. I just wanted to save face and not look worse in other people's eyes. So now you'll get to hear the rest of the story, because a half-truth is also half-lie.
There is a reason why I specifically started with that way that I am not myself. I wrote how there was something I had regretted doing earlier this week, and that thing that I did was taking advantage of a friend's feelings for me. It was after we had watched I Heart Huckabees as well, which was yet another reason why I wanted to start with that first way I am not myself.
So, I'm sorry for not being honest with you all before. I pray that I will do better in the future.
The last post I wrote, someone praised me for my honesty.
However, the last post I wrote was originally quite a bit longer than what is currently up there. I had looked at what I had written, and just as with my friend that I had been untruthful with, I said "They don't need to know that," and I deleted it. This time I didn't even have the excuse of wanting to protect someone from being hurt. I just wanted to save face and not look worse in other people's eyes. So now you'll get to hear the rest of the story, because a half-truth is also half-lie.
There is a reason why I specifically started with that way that I am not myself. I wrote how there was something I had regretted doing earlier this week, and that thing that I did was taking advantage of a friend's feelings for me. It was after we had watched I Heart Huckabees as well, which was yet another reason why I wanted to start with that first way I am not myself.
So, I'm sorry for not being honest with you all before. I pray that I will do better in the future.
Monday, August 13, 2007
How Am I Not Myself? # 1
One of the movies that I really like is I Heart Huckabees. It is one of those movies that makes you think and touches you on the inside in ways that you don't quite understand. I love it, but the first time watching it, my dad watched for about a half an hour, then decided he couldn't take all of the weirdness of the movie. It's not a movie for everyone, that's for sure.
One of the parts that I like the most is when the two existential detectives are asking the "bad" guy about how he feels about himself, and he simply yells "How am I not myself?" The two detectives say the question aloud and the bad guy repeats himself so they're clear. "How am I not myself?" They say nothing but this, and start looking at each other confusedly. The bad guy leaves, and as he's being asked questions and given memos in his workplace, the only thing that keeps running through his head is "How am I not myself?" This leads to the first part of his breakdown.
At the end of the movies, after the credits are done rolling, the question, "How am I not myself?" appears on the screen. It made me think about myself and finding the true me. I once wrote a personal reflection on that question and the book "The Game." Today, I'm doing something different with it.
Everyone wants to figure out who they are, including myself. For as long as I can keep thinking of things, I'm going to try to figure out what I am not. Maybe if I stop all of the things that I know are not part of the real me, I'll be left with only the right things for me to do. I can only hope to be so lucky.
How am I not myself?
I am not myself when I take advantage of girls' feelings for me to get them to do sexual things with me.
One of the parts that I like the most is when the two existential detectives are asking the "bad" guy about how he feels about himself, and he simply yells "How am I not myself?" The two detectives say the question aloud and the bad guy repeats himself so they're clear. "How am I not myself?" They say nothing but this, and start looking at each other confusedly. The bad guy leaves, and as he's being asked questions and given memos in his workplace, the only thing that keeps running through his head is "How am I not myself?" This leads to the first part of his breakdown.
At the end of the movies, after the credits are done rolling, the question, "How am I not myself?" appears on the screen. It made me think about myself and finding the true me. I once wrote a personal reflection on that question and the book "The Game." Today, I'm doing something different with it.
Everyone wants to figure out who they are, including myself. For as long as I can keep thinking of things, I'm going to try to figure out what I am not. Maybe if I stop all of the things that I know are not part of the real me, I'll be left with only the right things for me to do. I can only hope to be so lucky.
How am I not myself?
I am not myself when I take advantage of girls' feelings for me to get them to do sexual things with me.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Work Today
As Flanders started to say in the Simpsons Movie, "The good Lord is telling me to confess! To a modest sense of pride in our community!" I am here to confess to a modest sense of pride at how awesome my work shift was today. Okay, so I don't really think being happy about my work is a sin, but I wanted to talk about it but my blog is titled forgiveness. :-P
I was checker from 2:30 to 11:00, and I was wearing my confusing shorts (they're just regular shorts, but they have all sorts of absolutely pointless straps hanging out in the pockets, which confuses me as to why they are there), and I also had on my "BFFs" t-shirt from Threadless.
I walked around watching movies for a while, as per my job description, then I went into the concessions area to get some popcorn and soda. While there, I noticed that in the candy spot right next to the butter dispenser, there was an entire stack of Kit Kat bars, eleven to be precise. Now, no one is supposed to put candy there because it is hot from the butter warmer and that melts the candy. There's even a large sign right next to the candy spot telling you not to put candy there. These Kit Kat bars were pretty much mush, so we couldn't sell them to the customers. They got put into the back refrigerator for managers and projectionists to eat (which I indulged in one of the bars later that night).
I then decided I wanted to stop this problem once and for all. So, I grabbed a cardboard box, found some duct tape and scissors, and started building a cardboard box insert to put in that candy slot so no one could use it. This took me about a half an hour of good old architectural fun, and the box fit perfectly. I was so impressed with myself. "Jury-rigging" is one of my favorite words, and for a good reason. I love making my own solutions to problems.
Then they sent me on break once I finished that box, and I went home and had some spaghetti, cheesy bread, and some strawberries and cantaloupe. I came back to work, and I was told to watch the Rush Hour 3 theatre, because the managers expected there might be problems. I got to stand there and watch the whole movie, and I only had to tell one person to put his cell phone away. It was pretty cool.
Then I got to have my work shift extended by helping one of my fellow projectionists count and close up shop for the night. Then I went home. So, for the price of about one hour of actual work, I was paid for about nine. Life is good.
I was checker from 2:30 to 11:00, and I was wearing my confusing shorts (they're just regular shorts, but they have all sorts of absolutely pointless straps hanging out in the pockets, which confuses me as to why they are there), and I also had on my "BFFs" t-shirt from Threadless.
I walked around watching movies for a while, as per my job description, then I went into the concessions area to get some popcorn and soda. While there, I noticed that in the candy spot right next to the butter dispenser, there was an entire stack of Kit Kat bars, eleven to be precise. Now, no one is supposed to put candy there because it is hot from the butter warmer and that melts the candy. There's even a large sign right next to the candy spot telling you not to put candy there. These Kit Kat bars were pretty much mush, so we couldn't sell them to the customers. They got put into the back refrigerator for managers and projectionists to eat (which I indulged in one of the bars later that night).
I then decided I wanted to stop this problem once and for all. So, I grabbed a cardboard box, found some duct tape and scissors, and started building a cardboard box insert to put in that candy slot so no one could use it. This took me about a half an hour of good old architectural fun, and the box fit perfectly. I was so impressed with myself. "Jury-rigging" is one of my favorite words, and for a good reason. I love making my own solutions to problems.
Then they sent me on break once I finished that box, and I went home and had some spaghetti, cheesy bread, and some strawberries and cantaloupe. I came back to work, and I was told to watch the Rush Hour 3 theatre, because the managers expected there might be problems. I got to stand there and watch the whole movie, and I only had to tell one person to put his cell phone away. It was pretty cool.
Then I got to have my work shift extended by helping one of my fellow projectionists count and close up shop for the night. Then I went home. So, for the price of about one hour of actual work, I was paid for about nine. Life is good.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Stardust
And now for a totally nerdy interruption to our usual morals-related material.
I am a HUGE Neil Gaiman fan. I was interested in his work ever since I heard about Sandman. However, I didn't really become a true fanboy until I started reading his fiction. Amazon recommended me to "American Gods" and I saw "Anansi Boys" there too, and I ordered them with "The Gunslinger" by Stephen King and some book on journaling. I read American Gods, and totally fell in love with his storytelling. His mix of the real with the fantastic is top-notch.
Stardust was a good book. I should know, because I read it this morning. In my eight hour projectionist shift, I managed to read all of Stardust. Now, it is shorter than his other novels, and is in fact considered a novella, but it was still a good read. Definitely big on romance too.
I knew Stardust would have to be changed for when it went onto the big screen. I wanted to read the book first so I could see it how it was originally meant to be (although I didn't see any pictures, the original Stardust was almost part comic book). I knew some aspects of Stardust would never work for the big screen. I knew Robert De Niro's character would play a much greater role in the movie than in the book (he's only there for about 12 pages, out of 287).
Happily enough, they managed to keep much more of the original story than I expected. Sure, some details were changed, and for the most part, these managed to be minor and didn't change the major plot, for time and stories are like rubber bands, you can stretch them and change them, but they'll still keep their original shape. This was still a love story, and there was still awesome fantasy moments, some taken practically perfectly from the book.
All in all, this movie was good. Some parts never got explained, like the Babylon candles, but like the manager sitting next to me said "well, we could figure out what it was doing." Robert De Niro's character, which appeared in a much more important role, was absolutely amazing. The movie might have been worth it just to see the things he did.
I highly recommend this movie.
I am a HUGE Neil Gaiman fan. I was interested in his work ever since I heard about Sandman. However, I didn't really become a true fanboy until I started reading his fiction. Amazon recommended me to "American Gods" and I saw "Anansi Boys" there too, and I ordered them with "The Gunslinger" by Stephen King and some book on journaling. I read American Gods, and totally fell in love with his storytelling. His mix of the real with the fantastic is top-notch.
Stardust was a good book. I should know, because I read it this morning. In my eight hour projectionist shift, I managed to read all of Stardust. Now, it is shorter than his other novels, and is in fact considered a novella, but it was still a good read. Definitely big on romance too.
I knew Stardust would have to be changed for when it went onto the big screen. I wanted to read the book first so I could see it how it was originally meant to be (although I didn't see any pictures, the original Stardust was almost part comic book). I knew some aspects of Stardust would never work for the big screen. I knew Robert De Niro's character would play a much greater role in the movie than in the book (he's only there for about 12 pages, out of 287).
Happily enough, they managed to keep much more of the original story than I expected. Sure, some details were changed, and for the most part, these managed to be minor and didn't change the major plot, for time and stories are like rubber bands, you can stretch them and change them, but they'll still keep their original shape. This was still a love story, and there was still awesome fantasy moments, some taken practically perfectly from the book.
All in all, this movie was good. Some parts never got explained, like the Babylon candles, but like the manager sitting next to me said "well, we could figure out what it was doing." Robert De Niro's character, which appeared in a much more important role, was absolutely amazing. The movie might have been worth it just to see the things he did.
I highly recommend this movie.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
One of the Problems I Have
In the past 24 hours, I have done something that I really regret. I won't get into the specifics, but someone should have, at least in my opinion, rather disliked me, to say the very least.
However, I lied and I told some half-truths, and this person is now totally okay with me. But I'm not okay with myself.
The problem I've realized that I have is that either through my own actions or my own nature, I am too easily forgivable for my own good. I punish myself (no cutting or anything like that though, don't worry), but the people I hurt are never out to get me. I never feel like they get their just desserts, or their revenge, or whatever they should have.
Maybe it's better that way. If these people did just decide to beat me up or something, I would just be able to feel okay afterwards, because "Oh, I got what was coming to me and now I can go on my happy way." This way, I feel guilty, and maybe I learn from my mistakes.
Maybe this way is better too for another reason. I started this blog because I thought there should be more forgiveness in the world, and here I'm being shown forgiveness. Why should I be so bitter to that? The only answer I can think to give to that is these people don't know what they're forgiving me of, because of the half-truths. Would they still forgive me if they knew what I knew? I don't know, but I guess I should hope so. Otherwise, I'm just being a hypocrite with this blog.
However, I lied and I told some half-truths, and this person is now totally okay with me. But I'm not okay with myself.
The problem I've realized that I have is that either through my own actions or my own nature, I am too easily forgivable for my own good. I punish myself (no cutting or anything like that though, don't worry), but the people I hurt are never out to get me. I never feel like they get their just desserts, or their revenge, or whatever they should have.
Maybe it's better that way. If these people did just decide to beat me up or something, I would just be able to feel okay afterwards, because "Oh, I got what was coming to me and now I can go on my happy way." This way, I feel guilty, and maybe I learn from my mistakes.
Maybe this way is better too for another reason. I started this blog because I thought there should be more forgiveness in the world, and here I'm being shown forgiveness. Why should I be so bitter to that? The only answer I can think to give to that is these people don't know what they're forgiving me of, because of the half-truths. Would they still forgive me if they knew what I knew? I don't know, but I guess I should hope so. Otherwise, I'm just being a hypocrite with this blog.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Strange Dream #1
Sorry that this post is so long.
There has been a person that I've been wanting to talk about here, because he's the center point of one of the proudest moments of forgiveness I've ever had. His name is James, and I have been thinking about him recently because I haven't seen him in over a year. The last time I saw him, he had run away from a home he was in, and I bought him a ticket for a rated R movie he was seeing with his friends at the movie theatre. It was a good rated R movie though. I gave him my phone number, but I didn't think to get his, and I haven't seen or heard from him since.
He was friends with my little brother, and he was the adopted little brother of one of my classmates. He was adopted around the age of five or so after living in foster homes for a few years, I think. He was a pretty hyper kid, and I think he might have had a little ADD, but he was a good kid. Some people couldn't deal with him when he got really annoying, but if you wanted him to stop, all you had to do was ask him politely. He would listen to you if you were polite to him, which is funny, because you'd think it would be common sense to ask politely, but most people didn't think to do that.
He ended up in my scout troop, and I was one of the cool older kids, and I was one of the only liked Senior Patrol Leaders. He got to be pretty close with our scoutmaster, which pretty much any cool person did because our scoutmaster is pretty much the best person ever.
Then he started having problems at home, and he snuck away to a friend's house for a weekend without telling his parents, and his parents had enough so they sent him to a juvenile delinquent home nearby. Our scoutmaster went to his family and asked how he was, and they said he was doing well, and that he missed the scout meetings and the troop. And then he started having problems there, and he ran away, which leads back to the last time I saw him.
Last night I had a dream about him. I was Spiderman, only I had some other superpowers too. I was standing in a room that was either for a banquet or a press conference, because I was standing on the one side of it in front of a long table on a raised platform. The president was seated at the table, with what I'm guessing was his cabinet, and maybe some family.
I was terrorizing them. I didn't really hurt anyone too bad. Someone tried to throw some black rock or piece of food or something at me, and I let out some kind of sonic yell that knocked them back into the wall behind the table. I slashed my right arm forward and some kind of psychic or invisible wave knocked several people off of their feet.
Now, behind me, pretty much everyone had already ran. But one person who was still seated about 3/4 of the way back was James, and I noticed him as he just shook his head, stood up, and started trudging slowly out the back door with his head down. I was so happy to see him, I ran back to him and tried to say hi. He just kept walking. I asked him what was up, and he just kept walking, not looking up, but said something like "You shouldn't be doing that, it's not right."
I sort of laughed incredulously at what he said, and shot back "Come on man, you used to get angry and do stuff like that all the time." James whipped his head left to look me straight in the eye. His face was a mixture of hurt and anger. "I don't do that stuff anymore," was all he said. Then he turned and started his slow walk out the door again.
I was taken aback, and I felt ashamed of myself. This was a person that I thought had looked up to me, at least somewhat, and now he's practically too ashamed of me to even look at me. I felt horrible. I followed by his side, but I couldn't think of anything to say. He walked out the back door, and up a vertigo-esque stairwell. I followed him. After he went up a couple of floors, he finally stopped, turned to me with a half-hearted smile, and asked "Do you want to play a board game?" "Sure," I said meekly.
I just sat there as he started demurely setting up and explaining the rules of the game to me. I felt so ashamed of myself and so little. Then we started playing the game, and that's all of the dream I remember.
Aside from everything with my long-lost friend, this dream has an important meaning in it that I rediscovered. I can't just let myself sink down to other people's levels. Just because my friends sometimes do bad things doesn't mean it's all right for me to do those same bad things.
Also, very much more importantly, I miss James.
There has been a person that I've been wanting to talk about here, because he's the center point of one of the proudest moments of forgiveness I've ever had. His name is James, and I have been thinking about him recently because I haven't seen him in over a year. The last time I saw him, he had run away from a home he was in, and I bought him a ticket for a rated R movie he was seeing with his friends at the movie theatre. It was a good rated R movie though. I gave him my phone number, but I didn't think to get his, and I haven't seen or heard from him since.
He was friends with my little brother, and he was the adopted little brother of one of my classmates. He was adopted around the age of five or so after living in foster homes for a few years, I think. He was a pretty hyper kid, and I think he might have had a little ADD, but he was a good kid. Some people couldn't deal with him when he got really annoying, but if you wanted him to stop, all you had to do was ask him politely. He would listen to you if you were polite to him, which is funny, because you'd think it would be common sense to ask politely, but most people didn't think to do that.
He ended up in my scout troop, and I was one of the cool older kids, and I was one of the only liked Senior Patrol Leaders. He got to be pretty close with our scoutmaster, which pretty much any cool person did because our scoutmaster is pretty much the best person ever.
Then he started having problems at home, and he snuck away to a friend's house for a weekend without telling his parents, and his parents had enough so they sent him to a juvenile delinquent home nearby. Our scoutmaster went to his family and asked how he was, and they said he was doing well, and that he missed the scout meetings and the troop. And then he started having problems there, and he ran away, which leads back to the last time I saw him.
Last night I had a dream about him. I was Spiderman, only I had some other superpowers too. I was standing in a room that was either for a banquet or a press conference, because I was standing on the one side of it in front of a long table on a raised platform. The president was seated at the table, with what I'm guessing was his cabinet, and maybe some family.
I was terrorizing them. I didn't really hurt anyone too bad. Someone tried to throw some black rock or piece of food or something at me, and I let out some kind of sonic yell that knocked them back into the wall behind the table. I slashed my right arm forward and some kind of psychic or invisible wave knocked several people off of their feet.
Now, behind me, pretty much everyone had already ran. But one person who was still seated about 3/4 of the way back was James, and I noticed him as he just shook his head, stood up, and started trudging slowly out the back door with his head down. I was so happy to see him, I ran back to him and tried to say hi. He just kept walking. I asked him what was up, and he just kept walking, not looking up, but said something like "You shouldn't be doing that, it's not right."
I sort of laughed incredulously at what he said, and shot back "Come on man, you used to get angry and do stuff like that all the time." James whipped his head left to look me straight in the eye. His face was a mixture of hurt and anger. "I don't do that stuff anymore," was all he said. Then he turned and started his slow walk out the door again.
I was taken aback, and I felt ashamed of myself. This was a person that I thought had looked up to me, at least somewhat, and now he's practically too ashamed of me to even look at me. I felt horrible. I followed by his side, but I couldn't think of anything to say. He walked out the back door, and up a vertigo-esque stairwell. I followed him. After he went up a couple of floors, he finally stopped, turned to me with a half-hearted smile, and asked "Do you want to play a board game?" "Sure," I said meekly.
I just sat there as he started demurely setting up and explaining the rules of the game to me. I felt so ashamed of myself and so little. Then we started playing the game, and that's all of the dream I remember.
Aside from everything with my long-lost friend, this dream has an important meaning in it that I rediscovered. I can't just let myself sink down to other people's levels. Just because my friends sometimes do bad things doesn't mean it's all right for me to do those same bad things.
Also, very much more importantly, I miss James.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Irony Does Not Escape Me
So at mass today, during the part about the forgiveness of sins (which I just found out is called "the penitential act"), the priest, instead of saying "let us call to mind the times that we have sinned," he added "let us call to mind the times that we have sinned, and let us especially remember to forgive those that have sinned against us." It was something like that. Believe me, with what I talked about in my post last night, the irony was not lost on me.
Oh, and last night, I actually ended up looking at blogs until 4:00, then taking a shower and going to bed. Nothing too scary happened, except when I went to turn off the last light down in the basement, I heard what sounded like shaky voices yelling from far away. As I walked back upstairs, the only thing I was thinking was "Oh please God, don't let me die, please let nothing happen."
I am definitely still alive, and I actually had a ridiculously long and awesome dream about a zombie apocalypse.
Oh, and last night, I actually ended up looking at blogs until 4:00, then taking a shower and going to bed. Nothing too scary happened, except when I went to turn off the last light down in the basement, I heard what sounded like shaky voices yelling from far away. As I walked back upstairs, the only thing I was thinking was "Oh please God, don't let me die, please let nothing happen."
I am definitely still alive, and I actually had a ridiculously long and awesome dream about a zombie apocalypse.
It's late and I'm scared
Right now it just recently turned 3:00 in the morning, and I am pretty freaked out right now. I started reading a scary book today, and I didn't exactly behave in the best manner tonight, not at all. So what with it being this bad hour and all of that, I'm a little scared. My house also makes funny noises at night, and half the time it sounds like people talking or walking around when I'm in the kitchen or the bathroom or some other place where I could be easily snuck up on.
I said an Our Father and some other prayers, but the Our Father says "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." I thought of someone that I still haven't fully forgiven for something, and it made me think that I had to forgive him before I could be forgiven. But the only reason I wanted to forgive him just then was because I was so scared for myself. I don't think that can count as a real pardon.
So now I'm going to take a shower and try to get to sleep in a decent amount of time. I have to wake up for mass tomorrow, and I've got some sins to be thinking of during that forgiveness of sins part and after I get communion, so I really shouldn't be falling asleep in mass.
I said an Our Father and some other prayers, but the Our Father says "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." I thought of someone that I still haven't fully forgiven for something, and it made me think that I had to forgive him before I could be forgiven. But the only reason I wanted to forgive him just then was because I was so scared for myself. I don't think that can count as a real pardon.
So now I'm going to take a shower and try to get to sleep in a decent amount of time. I have to wake up for mass tomorrow, and I've got some sins to be thinking of during that forgiveness of sins part and after I get communion, so I really shouldn't be falling asleep in mass.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Forming New Habits
I was reading something about getting into the habit of exercising, and it said to never go two days without doing something that you're trying to make a habit. One day every now and then is easy to miss, and okay, but once you miss two days in a row, it's so easy to blow off doing something the next day. And as a new blog, this is the third day since I last put something up.
I think there's a lot of truth to that statement, because I kept thinking about making this blog post tonight, then never getting around to it. So now here I am writing it but I have writer's block. Okay, so I'm lying a bit, but I want this to be a short entry.
Maybe there is some kind of habit I can try to take up that will help me be more forgiving to people. Oh yeah, I just realized, those are called "virtues" and someone already invented them. I need to come up with something different.
I'm in a bit of a bad mood right now. My body is just not working the way I want it to. I think it's getting close to the point of where I can be diagnosed as having "hypersomnia," which is also known as excessive daytime sleepiness. I want to sleep all the time, and it's like, never enough for my body.
But here I am, up late, and I work in the morning! Well, to get rid of my angstiness, I found a snarky forgiveness quote. Just one more reason to love your enemies.
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." ~Oscar Wilde
Really not the best quote for a serious forgiveness blog, but what can you expect from me at a time like this?
I think there's a lot of truth to that statement, because I kept thinking about making this blog post tonight, then never getting around to it. So now here I am writing it but I have writer's block. Okay, so I'm lying a bit, but I want this to be a short entry.
Maybe there is some kind of habit I can try to take up that will help me be more forgiving to people. Oh yeah, I just realized, those are called "virtues" and someone already invented them. I need to come up with something different.
I'm in a bit of a bad mood right now. My body is just not working the way I want it to. I think it's getting close to the point of where I can be diagnosed as having "hypersomnia," which is also known as excessive daytime sleepiness. I want to sleep all the time, and it's like, never enough for my body.
But here I am, up late, and I work in the morning! Well, to get rid of my angstiness, I found a snarky forgiveness quote. Just one more reason to love your enemies.
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." ~Oscar Wilde
Really not the best quote for a serious forgiveness blog, but what can you expect from me at a time like this?
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