The Dark Side of Reconciliation

The title of this post makes me think of Star Wars and Pink Floyd. Sorry, I just wanted to get that out of my system.

Quick intro for non-Catholics: The sacrament of Reconciliation is basically one of Catholicisms official ways to be forgiven, and is one of very few ways that Catholics believe they can be forgiven of mortal sins. Mortal sins are sins that are seriously wrong, you know that the sin is seriously wrong as you're doing it, but still you do it freely and willingly. I feel that Reconciliation is awesome, and is probably my favorite sacrament that I've received so far, even though it always scares the hell out of me.

The last time I received the sacrament of Reconciliation, I was on a religious retreat with a Catholic club on my campus. It had been about a year since the last time I had confessed my sins, and the past year had not been a good one for me, at least in terms of all of the bad things I had done. I was writing down a list of my biggest sins so that I wouldn't forget them when I came face to face with the priest, but I managed to have enough courage to confess all of them. The priest gave me a psalm to read for my penance, so I went outside and sat on a picnic table away from the rest of the retreatants.

While sitting there, I at first felt good. I had been forgiven of everything bad I had done! I was a new man! That is the part I love so much about reconciliation. As I sat there further in prayer, I thought about all that I had gotten off of my conscience, and my heart started sinking. What sort of man had God just forgiven? If I had met someone who I knew had done everything that I had done, I would probably hate him. I would probably want to hit him, and I might even do it. I started feeling depressed and hopeless for myself.

I sat in this way for a little while, wallowing in my own sins and sadness. I thought to myself "You're a bad person." That was the last straw. My soul had taken enough of a beating, and it was ready to help me bounce back. "No, you're a good person," I thought to myself. My mind jumped to something good I had done on that retreat, just being myself and helping other people open up and talk. I thought of all of the good things I had done since my last confession. I had given a friend comfort and hope that he wasn't the only one who felt the way he did. I had been chosen as a leader on a religious retreat in high school (even though the retreat was eventually cancelled), so obviously I made enough of an impact on people that they saw me as a good religious leader. I had comforted friends and been a good employee and I may have even saved people's lives.

The litany of sins I had been reciting to myself were now overshadowed by all of the good I had done in the world. I had gotten rid of those sins for a reason, and one of them was because they didn't reflect who I really was. The good things I do are who I really am.

The dark side of Reconciliation that I found that day was that focusing so much on the things we've done wrong can make us forget the things we have done right.

If all we choose to look for is the darkness in life, that's all we'll see.

In terms of this blog, I think my topics have been rather dark for maybe a bit too long. Forgiveness is a joyful thing. It's not something that should always have us feeling ashamed and feeling like bad people. So, I am vowing for the next week straight to only post positive things to this blog. I've had enough of the shadows for now, it's time to let the light shine in!

Oh, but the "How Am I Not Myself?" this upcoming week will probably still be dark. I don't know how I can make that light, unless anyone has any suggestions?